Furthest Right

National Lowered Standards Day (August 4)


For years, we have struggled to maintain higher standards, but it just hasn’t worked. It’s inconvenient. To recognize this, we propose a Federal holiday to celebrate a lowest common denominator state of mind. This is the National Lowered Standards Day, and we celebrate it every August 4:

  • If you see a problem, wait for someone else to handle it.
  • Sort of do your job and watch apathetically as it fails.
  • Watch TV, eat junk food and post your tits on the internet.
  • Avoid heavy tools. Duct tape and paperclips fix everything.
  • Make sure to avoid inconvenient work required to have basic knowledge about any topic.
  • Don’t waste time cleaning up — throw it on the floor instead.
  • Even better, throw it directly into a National Forest!

Our slogan is “Good enough is the best it gets!” Celebrate our decline as a civilization to dysfunctional levels of corruption, incompetence, apathy, laziness, filth and confusion. We don’t want to get our act together. It’s just not convenient.

Text message your senators and half-heartedly demand this new holiday. We’ve been praising ourselves for trivial accomplishments while killing productivity, celebrating the mediocre, norming to minimum standards, and happily ignoring the consequences of our actions for years. It’s time to make it official.

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