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Donald Trump Indicted For Fatphobic Hate Crime

WASHINGTON DC (AP) — Ex-president and former Republican candidate Donald J. Trump used to brag of his opulent surroundings in Mar-a-Lago, but now he must adjust to a new standard of living: an eight by ten cell in the notorious Riker’s Island prison that formerly housed felons like Jeffrey Epstein and David “Son of Sam” Berkowitz.

In this austere world of utilitarian concrete and painted steel Trump awaits sentencing for felony assault with special circumstances of hate speech. Charging assistant district attorney Hadley Velasquez-DiPietro explained the charge is related to “expectation of imminent assault triggered by hateful, fatphobic invective.”

Both prosecution and defense agree that upon leaving trendy Manhattan gastropub Belch, Mr Trump encountered E Jean Carroll, who was having difficulty getting into her car owing to recent weight gain. He hastened to accost her while describing her as “a drunk beached whale” and a “repellent menopausal lard-ass” while looming over her.

At this point Ms Carroll experienced what Velasquez-DiPietro describes as “reasonable anticipation” that she would be physically assaulted, at which point Trump continued his tirade about her “fat fucking ass” and “box wine belly” before laughing grotesquely and fleeing back to Letitia James Tower, formerly “Trump Tower.”

Velasquez-DiPietro alleges that instead of ending his crime spree at that moment, Trump took to the telephone, calling others and going on unprovoked tirades about how Ms Carroll, like Christine Blasey-Ford, had put on weight through “unmitigated alcoholism” and “eating her feelings,” referring to her frequently as “that fat fucking unfuckable bitch.”

He was arrested at his office a half-hour later. Interviewed by ABC News, New York Supreme Court Judge Arthur Engorgon opined that this was a straightforward civil rights case. “He assaulted her the instant she felt reasonable expectation of imminent bodily harm,” said Engorgon, “which was exacerbated by the hate speech of a fatphobic nature.”

Through his lawyers Trump released a statement alleging that Ms Carroll had “put on at least seventy pounds” and that her recent jury award had gone “directly to box wine and microwave burritos,” producing a weight gain comparable to that of a newborn wildebeast. Many legal scholars consider fatphobia to be “the new racism” as America’s population expands.

Former presidential candidate and obese-American advocate Chris Christie gave a press conference on the steps of City Hall. “He got away with it for decades,” said Christie, “but Donald Trump is a serial fatphobic abuser who mocks and demeans human beings, especially women, for even slight amounts of weight gain. He is a criminal who needs to face accountability.”

A snap Pew Research poll found that 61% of Americans believe that fatphobia is a civil rights crime on par with racism or sexism, while another 32% believe that eating your feelings while drinking copious amounts of box wine is protected under the Constitution and therefore should be beyond all criticism.

Reached for comment at her midtown penthouse, Ms Carroll turned the comments around on Trump. “The man with the orange rage around his aura, like the fire of Sauron, conceals his own struggle with weight loss, which is why he drinks Diet Coke, because Diet Coke is like nuclear warfare, a last option, and did you notice that my breasts are bigger, I think it’s the HRT, which really is a sign of progress arriving and equality for all women,” she said, before ending the call to vomit profusely into a nearby trashcan surrounded by empty boxes of wine.

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