Furthest Right

Small But Consistent Steps To Victory Behind A Shield Of Drama

The Donald Trump playbook for term one reveals itself in its fullest form. It is Wagnerian drama.

Enter the weeping crowd.

WEEPING CROWD: Oh, woe is us, for we are lost to all goodness and decency! Hark, see yonder starving and helpless children on our border, kept in cages, separated from their parents!

CHORUS OF IDIOTS: Too true, too true! We have become that which we feared!

QUARTET OF SALESMEN: Surely you know that this problem can be easily solved, unlike it will be in the hands of our feckless Chieftain, who will enjoy their suffering greatly.

DONALD TRUMP: It is true, I do. Let me hear their cries, let them waft up to my might tower.

MELANIA TRUMP enters wearing I don’t care. Do u? jacket.

WEEPING CROWD: Oh, the outrage! The inhumanity! The evil! Nothing is lower than us, nor nothing worse! We are lost, destroyed, violated! And we the Crowd know this, and so we tell you, you should have listened to us and made us kings instead of this Drumpf, this lesser specimen of a man.

A gaggle of journalists rush in, clicking photos and clucking to one another.

CHORUS OF IDIOTS: He is inhuman! Inhumane! A true new Hitler, or perhaps Louis XIV+

QUARTET OF SALESMEN: Here at NeverTrump, Inc., we offer several plans which could take care of this problem with low monthly payments… they trail off into overlapping echoes

DONALD TRUMP: Oh well, I was just kidding. Here, let them eat cake on military bases. And I’ll take a stab at fixing this. See, nothing is really that hard, if you are not insane.

THE CONGRESS: An obese mouse the size of two city blocks, it munches resolutely on Twinkies while waving an American flag and defecating immense bundles of paperwork.

CHORUS OF IDIOTS: We have bent him to our Will! We are stronger than ever before!

QUARTET OF SALESMEN: …including our most popular package, the “let everyone have what they want and someone in the future will pay for it” option, which can be sized to any budget…

FUNCTIONARY: Mr. Trump, sir.


FUNCTIONARY: I have carried out your orders, sir. We are packing the judiciary with actual conservatives. We have increased immigration enforcement. We have imposed tariffs on those nations who hope to grow at our expense. Our overtures to the Supreme Court have begun unraveling the lack of freedom of association and the imposition of affirmative action. The reduced flow of labor has brought prosperity. The corrupt have been identified and are in flight. Our plan to shrink government will reduce much of its power. Other nations are treating us like a threat, not saps. Our people are no longer positive on immigration and you are polling higher than other recent presidents at this time in their terms. Sir, what next?

CHORUS OF IDIOTS: We must undertake immigration reform! Jail Melania for her jacket! Stop antagonizing our European allies! The detente with North Korea is all fake! And did we mention, the Russians are funding this candidate and he is their dupe?

WEEPING CROWD: Yes, we are still an empire of evil. Hear the cries of the imprisoned, and the young black males shot on the street! Heed the tortured shrieks of the transgendered, and the plight of the immigrants who have no access to high speed internet!

DONALD TRUMP: The herd is distracted. I will continue to pursue these and other powerful issues, out of sight of those who believe governments acts in a single quick step instead of thousands of careful, detailed foot placements. Each time they get close to noticing my actual agenda, I will poke them with a stick so they go screaming into night about some irrelevant issue.

He puts a hand on FUNCTIONARY’s shoulder.

DONALD TRUMP: We will get there, over the protests of those who have no idea how the world works but would tell us how it should. We just must be patient, and be sure to throw the crowd the bread and circuses that will keep it chattering on about nothing, forever mute in incoherence despite vociferous verbalization.


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