One day in October I left my phone behind and gingerly walked up up to the small cabin that sits above the house in the hill behind it. I often go up there just to sit and take in the view the view. I visit often to think about important and troubling things.
A fragmented movie played in my mind. I tried to make sense of it by speeding it up, slowing it down and running it in reverse. It contained events recorded by me in periods where I have ghosted around in some strange dreamlike experience of life and the world.
I was mostly interested in what it showed from the spring of 2007 and up until now. Because something happened then. The way I experienced life had changed. These strange distorted sensory experiences had happened before but took a more permanent hold of me then.
But for the first time i started to doubt that. Because it had now become clear that it was never “just me,” it was the rest of society as well. They had all changed because of something…and I seemed to have noticed it and resisted it and barely hung on to my sanity.
I let the tape roll from the summer that just passed. I remembered me and my friends at parties. Everyone agreed that more refugees was not a good idea. For once the others said so. I was thrilled people where finally reaching the point I had done in the spring of 94. As it turned out, I was tragically wrong.
Shortly after that I saw a picture of a dead boy on a beach in every newspaper, on every television channel and big website. People became hysterical. Mass psychosis like a surreal nightmare unfolded before my eyes, again, with a strength beyond anything I had seen before or beloved possible. I remembered me and a friend drinking coffee in town. Some stupid girl siting at the nearby table in some religious ecstasy proclaiming loudly she wanted to get permission from school to go help refugees…
Then came the total meltdown of everything.
But now I saw the surreal world from the outside. I passed my old landlady on the street. The memories of her had plagued me ever since because my senses had registered that she was a incarnation of a pattern I had observed since childhood. She was part of a destructive force that could manifest itself in anything. Buildings, people, behavior, music and art. She was a monster. She was one of them. The beings destroying us from the inside.
I suddenly realized that all those years filled with strange sensations, feelings of dread coming out of absolutely nowhere, sensations of unreality combined with strange thoughts I never could describe and long lasting deep black pitfalls was not a mental illness but a recognition of what was real, and the converse recognition that our society had become a disease of the mind in itself.
That thought made the entire Lynch-like movie in my head organize and click into place in a way no therapy, chemicals or attempts had ever done before. I could now reconstruct the dark spiral running through my past the right way. I was certain now. Life was in the clutches of a monster, and people who gave in to it by insisting that it was normal, also became monsters.
Perhaps not the most original metaphor, but on some deep primal level it was just that. And I had just realized that I had seen it all along.
That night I went to sleep in my old bedroom. The one I spent most nights in my first 15 years. I soon fell into deep sleep. Somewhere between darkness and dawn I was back again.
I was just a child again. Everything about the room was the same as back then. The same old bed and furniture configured in the way it used to be. The house was silent and the night had crept inside and made the room dark long ago. My parents were sleeping on the other side of the wall behind my head.
From my childhood, I knew the rules: no hands or feet sticking out over the edge of the bed, and I should hide under my covers with no openings. Well, except one, a small one gap to see out of. I could see the window. The lamp high on the wall outside lit the room enough to recognize the familiar objects in it.
There was a small opening in the curtains over the window. When the monster looked in, as I knew it would, I could see it without it noticing. I tried not to breathe too loud. Every heartbeat was an hour long. And the night crept by like a river.
At some point I could not take it anymore. I broke all the rules, the floor like ice under my feet for the three wide steps it took to get to the door. Like a ghost I slipped out into the corridor, passing the bedroom of my sleeping parents and pacing through the dangerous living shadows in the darkened house. Exposed to the window by the front door, I pressed myself flat against the wall and reached slowly up toward the light switch.
My fingers touched the plastic, grasped it. I slowly pulled it down and the light outside went off. The monster disappeared. With relief, and suddenly exhausted, I shuffled back to my bedroom again, excited by my own cleverness. The monster was no longer in my eyes and I was looking forward to sleep, since rest had eluded me for most of the nights during the past few years.
I smiled as I opened the door and go inside the bedroom. The warm covers call to me. But then cold air hits me like a breath from an open grave. Dread rushes through my body like electric current. I freeze as the ground opens up beneath me and my heartbeat stops. Summoning any bravery remaining, I looked out the window. It was wide open with the curtains pulled all the way to the sides, a grey purple twilight outside. I rushed to it and breathed in the cold air. I can hear footsteps moving away between the houses…
I wake in 2015 choking. I sit up in my bed. The first light comes through the side of the curtains. I slowly recover my calmness. Then incredible sadness follows. I look at the wall. I know they did not know. If I even could have told them, I knew they would have protected me. They always did.
I stand up. Pull the curtains aside and open the window. I breathe the cold air. Silence. I lean out and whisper to it:
“I’m coming after you now…”
After things crystallized that night I started to sort out the thoughts and observations that pushed this knowledge into the conscious realm and right at the center of everything that ever bothered me. That presence I sensed as a monster. At the time I had no idea what exactly it was. Only how I perceived and sensed it.
The school years, leftism, immigration, feminism, breakdown of traditions, centralization and young people fleeing into the big cities. Constant atheistic black oil down people’s throats by people who claimed to be enlightened in science. More and more invasive control and regulations by a fat ever-growing state. Local businesses being swallowed up by bigger corporations owned by bigger ones outside the land or just being crushed out of existence by them. People fading into more and more disposable behavior until they where shadows of what they used to be. Getting lazy, indifferent, selfish, reduced empathy and decency. Engaging in more and more selfish hedonistic behavior and becoming unwilling or unable to stand up for, value or fight for anything anymore. The usual list of things. And this “thing” or monster was at the center of it all.
This was part of a spiritual struggle that must have been going on for very long and was about to crush us completely very soon.
I decided to break out of it. The years since 2012 had thrown me out into a world so distorted that I could not adapt to it, and attempts to do so made it even worse. I had been floating around in some surreal parody where everyone got worse and worse since than. Not a new thing as mentioned earlier, but I had been centered and able escape it more until then. Seeing it from a mostly good place was bad enough, having to deal with it outside of the things that made life meaningful was something else.
But there was the problem. More and more people started to behave like them. Almost like it was contagious. There where always some of these people there who were born towards this kind of behavior and ideologies. And I was certain they had infiltrated society and that the rise of social media and smartphones had helped them do it more intensely. And everyone had at least some of these in their social circle upholding the spell.
I also noticed them all over forums and comment sections as well. Spewing out their civilization-wrecking poison dressed up in nice language and backed up by so-called science. And I knew it worked well. Because very few people out there could detect the sheer lust for destroying and dissolving written between the lines. The pattern manifested again…
The people I talk about now have some interesting things in common. After over three decades of studying them it was not just a feeling or suspicion anymore. The people around me who pushed this kinds of agenda and lifestyles almost always had at least many of these traits and more often than not, all of them:
Men tended toward sociopathic and narcissistic traits. Woman preferred borderline personality disorder and histrionic traits. I use the psychiatric terms only because they describe “evil people with socially undesirable traits” well.
I took “samples” of groups of people from the general population in normal settings. Like your class in public schools, the people you know of in town, the community and so on. You will of course find more or less of these people in more. And every time I did that the result was always the same. The people who were pushing these agendas corresponded with this cluster of unpleasant individuals like clockwork. This was the first time I noticed how these behaviors correlated to r / K strategies.
And of the hysteria unfolding on Facebook, I could only observe that most of the people engaging in this behavior were the ones “owned” by the monsters, so it would require wiping out 90% of my network just to establish sanity, and this was obviously out of the question. I wanted to find these individuals and get rid of them. Sometimes you think that turning off the porch light makes the monster go away, but really, he just goes elsewhere to do his work unnoticed by you. Most of the people in my country have been turning off the porch light for generations and going back to sleep, and during that time, the monsters have become much stronger.
No one dared to challenge the dogma of the monsters at that point. Except on anonymous forums and chats. But I had felt that something outside of myself spoke to me. Some part of my identity that we all shared in some way. So I decided to protest, post links and YouTube videos. Start the clean out and hopefully inspire others who felt the same to dare do it. If I was right we where a lot of people out there thinking in some sort of sync because of this connection. I saw a new order rising that way. Or hoped it would. And I guess it has, not to the extent my optimism told me though, but we are getting there.
I came up with some ideas or tactics. Partly on my own, but I noticed others online making the same conclusion. No more “I’m not a racist..”. I would rather say “Hell yeah!” No more trying to convince people with the terms and language they used. That language should be destroyed. And I would not moderate or apologize. And last but not least. If anyone threatened to drop me as a friend I would thank them and tell them to go to hell. And I would not give into any pleads to stop no matter what the loss would be.
There are many like me out here. We ended up on the Alt Right because we have seen the monster, and while we do not have words for it nor are 100% sure of how to fix the problem, we are tired of turning off the porch light and hearing the monster shuffle off to somewhere else to grow stronger and hurt someone else. We are ready to fight.