Furthest Right

Name That Karen

There is only one language that Karen understands. A dialect of Standard Amerikan English known as Passive-Agressive Karenspeak. Any attempt to communicate with this person must follow the strictly bureaucratic and perverse rules of syntax and sentence structure that would put German Grammar to shame.

Karenspeak can be thought of as rather simple and amateurish VB+ Code. Before you mastered the nuances of a good Case Statement, you probably hacked through exception handling or decision trees with an If-Then-Else parade. Crude brute force. Perhaps computationally effective, yet not logical art. But Karenspeak has its particulars. It requires an If-Then-OrElse Statement.

This is because Karen, regardless of zhir gender, desires only to derive petty, cheap jollies by thwarting you in some way. It’s a power trip. Karen gets to be the toll gate, and nothing makes zhir more happy than setting a toll that’s ten cents more than you can handle so that you get stuck driving all the way back home. You can just see zhir gloating. It warms zhir heart to see you seeth.

As long as zee has that granular, dusty hill from which to urinate, zee will contentedly behave like a pissant. It will persist with malice aforethought. It continues until you feel the common and logical desire to pour about a cup or two of gasoline down that hill and flick a match or two to make sure the job gets done correctly. But Karen knows that you can’t. It’s against your code of honor.

These complex social rules that allow sane, non-nuerotic people to gracefully coexist become weapons in the hands of Karen. Karen has immeresed zhirself in exactly how far she can push it assumming you choose to act civilized. Eventually, when Karen stymies any progress that should be possible, you just have to discard the rules so that they don’t become a suicide pact. Then go Denisovian on zhir ass.

Sometimes, it can just be as simple as naming that Karen. Someone in Saint Louis, Missouri decided they had hit the limit with the local Karen-Stazi. One thing #WuhanWipeout has led to is the good, old anonymous tip line. Karen now gets to tell on people. Purely for their own good. It’s because zee cares. Here’s how to burn that particular pissant hill all the way down to Queen Karen and zhir egg chamber.

Hundreds of Missouri residents have had their personal details shared online after the publication of a document that recorded reports made against those flouting lockdown measures. Some people are now concerned that they will face consequences for ‘snitching’ on coronavirus rulebreakers in St Louis County, Missouri. It comes after St Louis County authorities called on people to report businesses and persons not following statewide lockdown measures, last month.

Data, you see, has uses. If I’m an insurance actuary, a mortgage loan originator, or any type of tax assessor or regulator, I now have a list of people who need a righteous dose of their own medicine. We can all care. Just like Karen. We want to help zhir. It’s an opportunity for zhir and 899 of zhir BZFs to frikken learn.

No outright violence please. We wouldn’t want to be Right Wing Extremists. But we sure as heck can take a page from the book of Fabius Maximus. Karen can have zhir life back. Once she pays the effing toll! Revenge, like Abita Turbodog, is best served cold.

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