Furthest Right

Haiti Makes a Deal with the Devil

Perhaps, completely by happenstance rather than ratiocination, The Reverend Pat Robertson actually made a good point. This is not a frequent occurrence. Stopped clocks are far more likely to be accurate at any given point in time. You see, The Reverend claims Haiti is a nation that made a pact with Satan. Recent events on the desolate and immiserated island suggest Old Scratch has sent his collection agency after a rectal nation of eternal deadbeats.

A squad of gunmen assassinated Haitian President Jovenel Moïse and wounded his wife in an overnight raid on their home Wednesday, with police killing four suspects and arresting two others hours later amid growing chaos in a country already enduring gang violence and protests of his increasingly authoritarian rule. Three police officers held hostage by the suspected gunmen were freed late Wednesday, said Leon Charles, chief of Haiti’s national police.

Deprived of the wise stewardship Jovenel Moise, I can only wonder what Haiti will do. Or not. Haiti will do what it always does. It will attempt to further disintegrate. It will devolve to the level of its people. A nation is the integral sum of the people that live there. So, no, if the devil is even as smart as Alistair Crawley, he wouldn’t make a deal with The Haitians.

So here’s what Pat Robertson said about Haiti as he attempted to evangelize it. OK, so maybe I spoke in jest when I suggested The Reverend was correct about something.

On January 12, 2010, a 7.0 earthquake devastated Port-au-Prince, Leogane, and other parts of Haiti. The day after this catastrophe, Reverend Pat Robertson, the host of the 700 Club and an influential voice in the American fundamentalist movement, remarked that centuries ago Haitians swore a pact to the Devil in order to gain their freedom from slavery under the French. The moment to which Robertson referred in his comments was the Bwa Kayiman Vodou ceremony that launched the Haitian Revolution (1791-1804). Despite the humanitarian efforts of his charitable organization currently assisting Haitians with earthquake relief, Robertson’s remarks strike many as callous and racist.

If Robertson were both more callous and more racist, he would be closer to properly understanding the allure of Bwa Kayiman Vodou to The Haitians. It resonates with who these people are. It involves spectacle. It lights up the lower chakras like luminescent bulbs. It involves action, violence, and a time preference that about as high as The Sears Tower. If these people’s time preference were a physical structure, it would collapse under its own weight like a cheap Miami condo development. A disciple of the late Muhammad Atta would target it with hijacked airplanes.

Haiti will never have a future because they are so emotionally invested in the present that they are unaware that the future even exists. They only perceive the future in a manner analogous to how I perceive the fourth dimension. I theoretically am aware it exists, but I can’t draw it completely on a two dimensional sheet of paper. The best I can do with it is a series of Hyper-Surfaces that only partially perceive the other three imensions.

Haiti is Europe with no Bubonic Plague. It is China with a nice, tame Yellow River. The unfit not only survive. They get to kick it down on the beach. And then voraciously breed. If Haiti is cursed, it is because Charles Darwin forsake The Caribbean. It’s the pathetic Little League where even the crippled kids get a participation trophy. This is why nobody is able to have much of anything else there. This is why nobody really wants to deal with Haiti other than human vultures like Pat Robertson or The Clintons.

If Asmodeus really took a flier on Haiti as an investment property, then it was perhaps his own personal simulation of what he thinks he should do in Hell. It’s a version of The Matrix where he can imprison the souls he has damned. It’s a prison with sunny days, brainless people, and none of the limits that ever make us think clearly or plan for tomorrow. In about twenty more years, the place will remind us of California. Perhaps Haiti is a deal His Evilness should have refused.

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