Amerika

How To Screw Up Your Life, Part 1: Dating

People are inherently self-destructive because they chase what they think will make them feel in control of their lives, when in fact what they need is equilibrium and harmony with who they are and where they belong in the world in terms of what they do with their lives and the powers (really, duties and privileges) they actually need.

Under the influence of individualism, such as is induced through democracy and equality, people become even more self-destructive because any framework of restraint is removing. Democracy is a lottery in which one can possibly end up super-powerful and wealthy, so people chase impossible extremes and end up enraged at the emptiness of that task.

This means that to avoid self-destruction, we must separate humanity into two groups: those who are self-actualized, or aware of their actual needs versus their pathologies, and those who are not. The former group must rule over the latter if any sanity is to prevail.

That in turn means that for you, as a person either starting out in life or hoping to get to the next level, the task before you reveals itself as the quest for self-actualization. You must become clear on what is real, how to achieve results, and then how to choose the best results so you have the best life on all levels.

Those levels include intellectual, physical, moral, and what we call spiritual, referring to that range of understanding which begins in the transcendental and can extend to the metaphysical.

Unfortunately for you, your entire peer group will be working against you because as self-destructive people, they are more interested in enforcing an illusion on other people than doing what is right. To them, anyone who does not agree that what they think will make them feel in control of their lives is real is a threat.

You must be a secret agent for reality in a world full of illusions. If you are young, the sheer amount of confusion, rationalization, justification, excuse-making, backward thinking, trend following, and mindless repetition of gossip as wisdom can be crushing.

To help you, this series exists to convey the benefits of experience not just of the author but others in finding sanity, reality, and stability in the midst of a world dedicated to insanity, disorder, and self-destruction.

To reiterate, you will face great opposition. People, especially when voting, prefer to crusade for pleasant illusions instead of the more complex reality, which because it is not “certain” nor complimentary to these people, is scary to them.

Let us look at “dating.”

Dating in biological terms refers to having temporary monogamous relationships with multiple partners. Best understood as a form of casual sex, it reverses the marriage contract: where in marriage you first make a lifetime (or longer) commitment, then receive companionship including sexual relations, with dating you reverse the process.

This means that those who are dating have no binding relationship to each other, which means that all parties are constantly aware of what they might have instead, and are susceptible to better offers. Even if they do not take these offers, the very ability to back out with no commitment makes it tempting.

That in turn alters the power balance. Instead of two people committed toward a goal, and united in their pursuit of this, you have two self-interested actors looking for as much power and control as they can have in the relationship. This relationship mirrors democracy in that internal friction is the order of the day.

Instead of a relationship based on stability, dating creates a relationship based on instability and the power of the individual. Each individual has maximum freedom but minimal commitment, which means that their behavior must adjust in order to ensure that the other person does not defect.

That creates an inherently manipulative nature to the relationship. Each party feels pressure to mold themselves into what the other person will like and approve of, while hiding anything that might be negative. It turns people into salesmen and prostitutes within what should be a loving union.

In addition, the question of mileage rears its ugly head. The more sexual partners you have, the less distinct any one of them can be; the more relationships you have had, the less you will tailor your relationship persona to any one person. You eventually will be dating strangers, treating them like ghosts of your own past.

Even worse, dating represents a decision not to make a decision about the future of your life. Instead of choosing where you want to end up, or at least realizing that you do not know, you are sliding into a perpetual adolescence: dating, working a temporary job, trying to break rules and get away with it, and avoiding responsibility.

This ends up creating backward decisions for you. You no longer consciously choose your future, but stick with whatever does not fail. The job becomes a career, even if it is not a fit, and since you never expected it to be good, you just keep doing it. Children happen, and you try to build a life around that.

Like all things modern, this is backward. You have chosen nothing, nor looked at what was appropriate. You have fallen into a “lifestyle” based on continuing what you did during the late years of childhood. Your partner and children never have the certainty that they are the product of a purposeful, committed activity.

As a result, instability reigns. Your children have no expectation that the union will last; almost half of marriages fail. You and your partner are both constantly aware that either one could pack up and take off at any minute if a better offer arrives. There is no order, only a hack which exists for your convenience.

Not surprisingly, parents in modern unions tend to be abusive. Unstable environments provoke people into pursuing personal control in order to avoid losing out to others, so parents act first to establish control and only distantly second for the well-being of the union, the partner, and the children.

If anyone objects, the universal answer seems to be, “you can always leave.” The girlfriend can be replaced with a younger, more sexual model; in fact, most men in casual-dating-for-life situations tend to desire this over time. The children must move out at age eighteen, and probably want to in order to escape the instability.

Few people have noted how inherently cruel and degrading this type of family unit is. No one is valued for their worth as a person, only as a role relative to what is convenient for others in their quest for personal control. There are no guarantees, nor any sense of purpose and shared goal.

Families of this type — even when a marriage is involved — become public demonstrations of the success of the individual and nothing more. Instagram, Facebook, and all of that social status signaling nonsense just formalized this. The family exists to make the man seem successful and the woman seem desirable.

In this way, the family becomes an extension of the ego, which is consistent with the Enlightenment™ notion of individualism.

To avoid this path, avoid dating. Choose courtship instead. This means that you seek to know a number of young ladies or young men in a group social setting; imagine going out for coffee, food, or drinks as friends. You want to see what people are made of.

Even better, engage in group activities that are not all pleasant. Plant trees, build houses, pick up trash, organize a social event or two for irritating elderly people. These frustrations reveal who people are, both in how they react and how they overcome challenges. You want to know the person inside, not the surface attraction.

You will not find a life partner by going out on “dates,” which are specially curated events designed only to show you the surface. Dinner and movie are opportunities for politeness in very narrow social circumstances where there is no chance to see much of the real person, and because they are celebratory, offer very little insight into character.

When you find someone you think is significant, the intelligent custom is to then spend time calling on that person for social events in the presence of others. This allows more time for conversation to see if the relationship is worth deepening. You do this with several at a time, which gives more liberty than dating.

At some point, one seems like “the one.” This is a good time to visit with (wise) elders and people who have known you for your entire life, and if you are lucky, also know the other person. They can give you feedback as to what you should probe, questions you should ask, and circumstances you should observe.

After some time, usually about a half-year to a year, you know the person well enough to make the choice. Declaring courtship says that, if no other obstacles intervene, you intend to marry this person for life and beyond, and have a family with them if possible. This is a heady decision.

You can break off a courtship, but it reveals a disorganized mind in making the choice in the first place. Disorganized minds are common among lower-caste people and the third world, but are not particularly useful for Western Civilization. If you do have a disorganized mind, an arranged marriage will benefit you best.

Courtship involves keeping the person close to you for social events and daily life as much as possible. You will have time together, even alone, but not at night or too far out of sight of your elders. (Note: if you are older, your elders may be close friends who you trust with your welfare, or aged parents; grandparents are ideal for younger people).

Someone who accepts your courtship now expects to be exclusive with you in the sense of close social engagements, but may still be scoping the field by going to events attended by both sexes. The person who has been asked to engage in courtship, usually the woman, has the power of rejection throughout.

If she does reject you, and you did not see it coming, this tells you that one of two things is true: either you were oblivious, possibly because you were infatuated, or she is less constant than what you need. Pick yourself up and move on; your reaction to this event will, like all your actions, reveal your character.

As the courtship develops, you will be expected to endure a number of tedious events like tea with aunts, family barbecues, and questioning by parents. It is also customary to bring small gifts as appropriate and not overdo it. Your reaction to these challenges reveals your self-discipline and character as well.

If the courtship goes well, you will over time have a series of discussions with your intended — the person you intend to marry — about what life would be like together and what your goals are. You want someone who is from a similar background (race, ethnicity, religion, class, and philosophical orientation) with similar desires in life.

Should it turn out that all of these are coherent, and since you have known this person for at least several years and seen their character, you will at some point want to pop the question. Before you do, it is wise and customary to request permission from not just her father, but your own parents and her mother as well.

These people have experience and, if not of bad character, can give you vital clues. Usually they will mention things that might be extra-challenging, and see if you have a plan to overcome them. Sometimes they will point out that the match is unsuitable, and you can exit gracefully under that aegis.

Above all else be aware that people are mostly their heritage as mediated by their rearing. To find out what your future spouse will be like, look at the relatives and ancestors of this person. Every family has some black sheep, but if you see a pattern of something undesirable, bail out.

In addition, you have to look for problems caused by bad rearing. An abusive home leaves imprints that will take three decades to unravel. A parent who withheld affection will savage the self-confidence of the child. A youth without guidance creates an indecisive, fuzzy-minded person prone to emotional outbursts.

These steps seem extreme until you consider that you are selecting a partner for life, the person who will make up half of the genetics of your offspring, and someone who will have your back (or not) through whatever life throws at you. Select carefully; you cannot just choose any random person and have them birth mini-Mes.

People deny this because they are caught up in the egalitarian mental virus, but genetics matters more than anything else. If you choose the wrong person, or someone from the wrong background, your children will not have your abilities and inclinations. You will end your line in failure.

Even more, if you create an unstable home through dating, or simply selecting the wrong spouse, your children will grow up damaged from the bad quality rearing they will experience. Your choice of how to spend your time reflects how well you will be able to find a complementary mate and create happy, wholesome, and stable children.

If you waste your time on dating, not only do opportunities pass, but your vitality becomes diminished through experiences of a false substitute for marriage that nonetheless expends your energy in fighting out the type of conflicts you find in a marriage. You will become jaded and callous to potential joy.

None of the advice in this column is anywhere near politically correct and it would likely be banned in most forums for publication. You will not find it in a newspaper, the government will deny it, and paid “scientists” would have lots of reasons to reject it. However, your common sense and the wisdom of your ancestors know better.

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