Furthest Right

It’s better to fight than stop talking

You’ll hear many people say a very trendy thing:

Peace at all costs.
Anything but war.
Pacifism is the way to enlightenment.

The problem with putting peace before solving disputes is that these disputes get addressed with bad compromises, then fester, and then explode.

Just as it happens between individuals, it happens between groups:

But just because you seldom argue doesn’t mean your marriage is strong. The real silent killer of marriage is distancing yourself from your partner.

The solution? Don’t worry so much about your fight response – that instinct to duke it out verbally. Instead, focus on your flight response – the instinct to avoid your partner. If we can learn to spot the distancing pattern in our relationships, we can help prevent family problems and divorce.

Soon after they married, Mr. and Mrs. Smith were surprised at some of the tension and dissatisfaction they felt with each other. At first, they tried to talk it out. Over time, this didn’t seem to be working, so they’d lose patience and argue more often. But open conflict is unpleasant, and pop psychology has taught us that arguing and anger are bad things that doom a marriage.

So the Smiths (subconsciously) decided to keep the peace, and avoid the touchy topics. They communicated less of their true thoughts, feelings, and dreams to each other. As they distanced themselves from each other, he filled the gap by focusing on his career and she focused on the kids. Everything seemed fine, because he was succeeding at his career and she could meet her need for affection with the children. But over the years, this pattern slowly, insidiously, became a problem.


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