You know; I’m just not an Apple Guy. I tend to just view computers, cars and the rest as exactly what they are – machinery. But today I’m writing in praise of Apple’s usually-execrable CEO Tim Cook. He has taken on the leviathan and told it to go blow one out its monstrous rear-end. Well done, Tim. You just made your home state of Alabama proud.
You see, Tim Cook recently had a learning experience, an epiphany if you will. He reached the point where he got it. He came down out of the elite bubble, the Davos Smug-Cloud and really understood how badly life could suck down here on Earth. Down here in Amerika. It was when the FBI leaned on him to give them a backdoor code to allow them unfettered access to Apple’s iPhone products that he finally learned what it was like to spend a day being a regular human being under the power of an oppressive “people-powered” government like INGSOC.
Our FBI is attempting to hack an iPhone that belonged to one of the terrorists who shot up the San Bernardino Christmas Party this past December. They’ve got their smart guys, the real Harvard Men; measuring every physical dimension of the iPhone with their laser micrometers and their slide-rules. It was all going well and the investigation was making progress! But the iPhone then asked for a password so the whole electronic phase of things where they piece together what phone numbers the terrorist called has kind of stalled out.
So it now becomes Tim Cook’s patriotic duty as an Amerikan to fork over code that will allow Wile E Coyote Supra-Genus to instantly access any password protected iPhone through physical means or Wi-Fi with or without the user’s knowledge or permission.
At this juncture, one can imagine Tim Cook as an NFL head coach on the sideline. He has just watched his multi-million dollar franchise get jobbed out of a potential game-clinching touchdown by one of the worst officiating mistakes he has ever seen in his life. He stands there somewhat aghast and asks himself a vital epistemological question. Perhaps he phrases it like this: “Did I really just f*&^%$# see that?!”
Upon convincing himself to that he really did f*&^%@# see that, his face turns a rather unhealthy purplish-orange color. His blood pressure could get a moon rocket fifty feet off the launching pad. He rummages in the back pocket of his Bike Coaches’ Pants and dramatically tosses his Red Bullsh!t flag onto the field to demand a replay challenge of the offending call. Kevin Williamson at NRO gives us the broader extended rant that occurs after CBS Sports quickly pans the camera away before six-year old kids accomplish too much lip-reading.
Yes, of course we’d like to have some prosecutions and convictions in the San Bernardino case, inasmuch as it is clear that the jihadists there did not act without some assistance. And, yes, there probably is some useful information to be had from that iPhone. But there is something deeply unseemly about a gigantic and gigantically powerful national-security apparatus’s being stymied by ordinary consumer electronics and then putting a gun to the head of Apple executives and demanding that they do Uncle Stupid’s job for him. You know what would be better than prosecuting those who helped the San Bernardino jihadists? Stopping them, i.e., for the Men in Black to do their goddamned jobs. An arranged marriage to a Pakistani woman who spent years doing . . . something . . . in Saudi Arabia? Those two murderous misfits had more red flags on them than Bernie Sanders’s front yard on May Day, and the best minds in American law enforcement and intelligence did precisely squat to stop their rampage. Having failed to do its job, the federal government now seeks even more power — the power to compel Apple to write code rendering the security measures in its products useless — as a reward for its failure.
One can imagine Coach Cook at a post-game press conference after his disappointing loss. He is now trying to patiently explain to the media what he really meant by all the nasty and unrepeatable things he said during what we’ll politely describe as a loss of sideline demeanor. He politely suggests that such a software code does not exist and is “too dangerous to create” because it could fall into Hillary Clinton’s toilet Internet-server, oops; I mean the wrong hands. This is a far better PR strategy than giving in to his baser desires, snapping off some beat reporter’s geeky, little head and driving a nice pile of steaming feces down that tosser’s pathetic, bloody stump of a neck. A careful observer can notice that Coach Cook’s hands shake to an unsettling degree while he struggles to maintain a calm and soothing tone of voice. Now is not the time to ask Coach Cook about the playoffs.
In conclusion, Apple CEO Tim Cook has shown what Earnest Hemmingway described as the true measure of a worthy man. Unlike the fictional Coach Cook described above, he has displayed grace under pressure. He properly and exquisitely dealt with the outrage he must have felt when he was strong-armed by our desperate, incompetent excuse for a government. It has been said by many that all of us are Conservatives about the things we truly care for and cherish. Attempting to jack Apple’s intellectual property, at least for the nonce, brought forth an impressive streak of small-government, libertarian conservatism from one of Amerika’s most conspicuously SJW CEOs. I congratulate Mr. Cook on his quantum of enlightenment. I hope that it causes him to reevaluate some of his decisions and lead his particular corner of America to a far better place in the foreseeable future.