Let me tell you about my friend Jimmy. Â Jimmy is a great friend. Â He sleeps on the floor in my basement behind the water heater, but I never see him there because by the time Iâ€™m awake, my friend Jimmy has already prepared for me a solid breakfast of lavishly buttered toast, fried eggs, beef sausage, and a pot of coffee that can bench 405. Â If heâ€™s a good boy and brings me my pipe while the coffeeâ€™s still warm, I let him make himself some porridge.
While Iâ€™m out during the day, Jimmy performs various tasks for me like cleaning the house. Â Itâ€™s a shame Iâ€™m not around for this, because watching the little guy have to reach up to push that vacuum around (itâ€™s four feet up to the top of his hair, if he combs it the way I tell him to, and he always does) never fails to coax out at least a few chuckles. Â Itâ€™s just so cute!
Some days I have him toil in the garden, growing and harvesting the food that heâ€™ll cook for me (I give the surplus out to my other friends). Â If I catch him sneaking some for himself itâ€™s usually enough to give him a thorough scolding and deny him supper. Â He doesnâ€™t mind being out in the hot sun all day because he has darker skin and his people are used to the heat.
Weâ€™re good pals, Jimmy and I. Â And weâ€™ll always be friends, because I told him if he ever tries to leave I might just march right back to the jungle where I found him and you know, I can tell which ones were his family — and Iâ€™m much bigger than them. Â Friends forever!
Whatâ€™s that? Excuse me, did you just say that this isnâ€™t friendship? Â Do you realize how offensive that is? Â Definitions change, you know. Â Humanity progresses. Â Older, backwards, more narrow minded people used to think it meant just a sort of even, linear, voluntary relationship between two people, but thatâ€™s just one definition. Â Get with the times.
The newer definition of friendship includes both the old linear friendship, which is voluntary, and the involuntary friendship that we friendship equality activists have been calling â€œeuphoric friendshipâ€. Â These are both relationships between two people and there is no reason to deny people the right to friendship, other than because youâ€™re an irrational religious fundamentalists or whatever.
Look, Iâ€™m happy with this friendship. Â And what does it even matter — how does it even affect you if I have a euphoric friendship? Â It literally has no effect on your linear friendship. Â Do you think your linear friendship will suddenly explode or something if you allow me and Jimmy to have our euphoric friendship? Â Thatâ€™s insane. Â Youâ€™re being ridiculous.
Stop clinging illogically to your outdated, arbitrary definition of friendship. Â Stop being so closed-minded and join us on the right side of history, where we promote equal access to friendship for all, including euphoric individuals like myself, who have been persecuted throughout history. Â This is just who I am, and if it bothers you that Jimmy and I are friends, well I guess youâ€™ll just have to deal with it, you bigot!