Amerika

Friendship Equality

Let me tell you about my friend Jimmy.  Jimmy is a great friend.  He sleeps on the floor in my basement behind the water heater, but I never see him there because by the time I’m awake, my friend Jimmy has already prepared for me a solid breakfast of lavishly buttered toast, fried eggs, beef sausage, and a pot of coffee that can bench 405.  If he’s a good boy and brings me my pipe while the coffee’s still warm, I let him make himself some porridge.

While I’m out during the day, Jimmy performs various tasks for me like cleaning the house.  It’s a shame I’m not around for this, because watching the little guy have to reach up to push that vacuum around (it’s four feet up to the top of his hair, if he combs it the way I tell him to, and he always does) never fails to coax out at least a few chuckles.  It’s just so cute!

Some days I have him toil in the garden, growing and harvesting the food that he’ll cook for me (I give the surplus out to my other friends).  If I catch him sneaking some for himself it’s usually enough to give him a thorough scolding and deny him supper.  He doesn’t mind being out in the hot sun all day because he has darker skin and his people are used to the heat.

We’re good pals, Jimmy and I.  And we’ll always be friends, because I told him if he ever tries to leave I might just march right back to the jungle where I found him and you know, I can tell which ones were his family — and I’m much bigger than them.  Friends forever!

What’s that? Excuse me, did you just say that this isn’t friendship?  Do you realize how offensive that is?  Definitions change, you know.  Humanity progresses.  Older, backwards, more narrow minded people used to think it meant just a sort of even, linear, voluntary relationship between two people, but that’s just one definition.  Get with the times.

The newer definition of friendship includes both the old linear friendship, which is voluntary, and the involuntary friendship that we friendship equality activists have been calling “euphoric friendship”.  These are both relationships between two people and there is no reason to deny people the right to friendship, other than because you’re an irrational religious fundamentalists or whatever.

Look, I’m happy with this friendship.  And what does it even matter — how does it even affect you if I have a euphoric friendship?  It literally has no effect on your linear friendship.  Do you think your linear friendship will suddenly explode or something if you allow me and Jimmy to have our euphoric friendship?  That’s insane.  You’re being ridiculous.

Stop clinging illogically to your outdated, arbitrary definition of friendship.  Stop being so closed-minded and join us on the right side of history, where we promote equal access to friendship for all, including euphoric individuals like myself, who have been persecuted throughout history.  This is just who I am, and if it bothers you that Jimmy and I are friends, well I guess you’ll just have to deal with it, you bigot!

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