The Joint Strike Bed Of Procrustes


The geniuses over at The Five-Sided Puzzle Palace outdid themselves with the F-35 Joint Strike Fighter. They would build that one big Death Star that would replace a variety of more specialized fighter aircraft. One size fits all. It’s the Post-modern panacea. It was supposed to work miracles. Just like the Bed of Procrustes. So just how well is this brilliant idea working out?

The program is six years behind schedule and tens of billions of dollars over budget. And now, 16 years after the JSF prototypes took off for their first flights, top officials are finally owning up to the trauma the $400 billion fighter program has inflicted on America’s finances and war readiness.

So the USAF has ‘fessed up to the f’up. They’ve come clean that they done took us all to the cleaners. But like all things Post-modern, the timing of this stunning admission is positively suspect. Like John McCain grumbling that he’ll build the damn wall after 12 million illegals have already waded El Rio Grande, this public candor is a basically just an old sex-grime encrusted dildo. If they were to compose a piece of music in honor of the F-35 Program Management Office it would “Circle Jerk of Cockless Conquistadors to be Played in F-Minor.” They’ll not only shut the barn door after the racehorse escaped, they’ll slam it. And stamp their feet and shake their fists in condign indignation even.

For at the same time as the admissions of guilt, the F-35 was passing several bureaucratic milestones that make it more or less impossible to cancel. Too much money’s already been spent. Too many well-established jobs are at stake. Too many F-35s are already rolling out of the factory……..At this point, abandoning the F-35 is politically impossible. Producing the jet reportedly involves 1,300 suppliers supporting 133,000 jobs in 45 states. The Marine Corps declared its first squadron of F-35s war-ready in July 2015. The Air Force expects to make its own declaration of combat-readiness by December this year, with the Navy following two years later.

Well, since the lemon is off the lot and it’s all been bought and paid for, we reach the climax of the gameshow known as Amerikan Democracy. Come on out and show ‘em what they win, Dom Pardo!

Jeff Babione, Lockheed Martin’s program manager for the F-35 program, told reporters Tuesday that the cost of the F-35A — the Air Force variant of the aircraft — was expected to drop from nearly $100 million per plane to about $85 million by 2019, thanks to efficiencies and cost-cutting manufacturing technologies. The B and C variants designed for the Marine Corps and Navy, which are heavier and purchased in smaller quantities, are not included in the 2019 goal. By contrast, the Navy’s F/A-18E/F Super Hornet fighter aircraft cost about $60 million apiece.

So translating Program Manager Speak into honest English we learn the following. “We’ll start out Waaaayyyy too expensive compared to our Acquisition Program Baseline, but if you just bear with us, we’ll be sensitive and screw you all over far more gently once we’re in full production due to economies of scale. Now those other ones that the Navy and Marine Corps are buying are going to cost a bit more. So we came up with a dope deal not to count those when we quoted you our disingenuous unit cost stats. Of course Sam’s Navy would be way better off if they didn’t have to buy this crappy airplane, but now they have to. So fvck’em if they can’t quite seem to take a joke.”
And just what value do we get for such a ridiculously exorbitant and dishonestly quoted price? The DOD’s Operational Test and Evaluation (DOTE) Agency has a well-earned reputation for a certain prickly honesty that makes them unpopular with those who push the establishmentarian narrative. They fail us not with respect to the F-35 Joint Strike Fist-Fvck.

The Director of Operational Test and Evaluation (DOT&E) recently released a scathing assessment of the F-35 program as part of his annual report. Buried inside 48 pages of highly technical language is a gripping story of mismanagement, delayed tests, serious safety issues, a software nightmare, and maintenance problems crippling half the fleet at any given time. The report makes clear just how far the F-35 program still has to go in the development process. Some of the technical challenges facing the program will take years to correct, and as a result, the F-35’s operationally demonstrated suitability for combat will not be known until 2022 at the earliest. While rumors that the program office would ask for a block buy of nearly 500 aircraft in the FY 2017 budget proposal did not pan out, officials have indicated they may make such a request next year. The DOT&E report clearly shows any such block commitments before 2022 are premature.

So like the nineteen 9-11 hijackers who wanted to learn how to fly planes, but really didn’t care if you showed them how to properly land, the USAF is gung-ho on buying 500 models of an aircraft that may not be safe to even operate. This at a price that’s a huge multiple of its initial projected cost. It should surprise no one who qualifies as a sapient being that the USAF is facing a pilot shortage. It should also surprise no one that the smarter guys in the USAF brass are now dragging their feet on scrapping older aircraft that have actually flown into combat and come back a few times.
The leaders in the USAF have left their subordinates in an impossible scrape. The bosses have made them a Procrustean bed with an unworkable piece of hardware. Their standing orders are to lie in it. People with common sense and no great tolerance for pointless mortal risk don’t join. Those giving it all for God and Country are now having to pretty much pull a workable solution out of their rosy rectums. None of this optimal. None of this was how the plays were drawn up on the chalkboard back in the locker room. But this is what happens to the last brave and worthy men, piloting an overpriced and under-capable death trap, on behalf of a soulless empire sick with the cancer of declining social cohesion and trust.

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11 Responses to “The Joint Strike Bed Of Procrustes”

  1. Snuffy says:

    The leaders in the USAF have left their subordinates in an impossible scrape. — This is pretty much the air force in a sentence.

  2. AntiDem says:

    The F-35 is the perfect aircraft… for defense contractors and their politically-connected friends. Never quite finished, constantly needing one expensive fix or another, and, best of all, obsolete (and thus obviously needing an expensive replacement) the day it’s delivered. (Anyone with a brain in their heads who cared about combat readiness would be working on UAV fighters derived from the likes of the X-47, a fantastically successful program that the Navy just gutted.)

    In short, if you evaluate the F-35 according to the metrics of its stated purpose – which is to be a combat aircraft – it is a dismal failure. But if you evaluate it by the metrics of its actual purpose – which is to be a gigantic money-laundering scheme by which cash is circulated from the Treasury into the pockets of defense contractors, and then back into the pockets of politicians in the form of all the normal sorts of technically-legal bribes we’ve gotten used to – then it is a roaring success. Its remarkable, unprecedented achievements in terms of this actual purpose explain why the defense establishment supports this program no matter what, to the detriment of every other weapons system in the whole military. I mean sure, the A-10 is an amazing combat aircraft, but a 40-year-old aircraft that still does its job brilliantly is basically useless as a money-laundering scheme. Off to the scrapyard with it! Combat readiness? Hah! If anyone cared about that, they wouldn’t have filled the military with trannies, single moms, and gang members, all led by Affirmative Action hires and political yes-men.

    The F-35 is the ideal weapons system for its time – which is corrupt, decadent, late-stage imperial decline. Let it be our emblem.

    • JPW says:

      Eminently true. The US Army is currently setting up the same sort of slush fund for its FVL multi-use platform helicopter. Based on the VC-17 Osprey, the V-280 Valor will assume the Utility, Cargo, Scout, and Attack roles with one base platform. The US military won’t have effective aviation by the time these dildoes get finished with us.

    • If anyone cared about that, they wouldn’t have filled the military with trannies, single moms, and gang members, all led by Affirmative Action hires and political yes-men.

      All of the above are yes-men to liberalism. Liberals love to see bloated military programs so they have an excuse to cut military budgets and dump all that money into welfare. A military cuck could take a few million for this sabotage.

    • -A says:

      And the Lord gazed upon our emblem and saw that it was not good. The pharisee saw this and said:”Well, it’s good enough.”

    • Douglas says:

      I have to dispute some of your argument
      * on UAV’s instead of manned fighters: impossible right now. The AI for an unmanned fighter doesn’t exist. We’re nowhere close to it. If you go unmanned for the fighter mission, then you’re stick with remote control (rather than independent AI), and if your coms are jammed, fights over, you lose. We’ll need a man in a fighter cockpit for some time to come.

      *On the X-47B: How did the Navy “gut” it? It was an experimental aircraft, not a production prototype. It was strictly for testing concepts of unmanned ops on a carrier. It did its job, and now its been retired, on schedule. If only ALL our programs were run in as efficient a manner…

      Agree on pretty much everything else you said. The F-35’s first and foremost purpose is to make money for Lockheed, not win wars.

      • AntiDem says:

        I fail to see how we’re “not even close” to a fighter AI. The military’s own attitude is that dogfighting is dead and that fighters merely need to sit beyond visual range and fire missiles at the target. They were even considering renovating some old B-1s as “missile trucks”, and I wouldn’t want to dogfight in those. If the military is right about all that, then the AIs we already have seem more than adequate; if they’re wrong, then they have a lot more to reevaluate than just their UAV strategy.

        Besides which, even if it is impossible right now, that’s why you keep putting money into the research you need to do in order to make it possible. What the Navy just gutted was precisely its fighter UAV program; now they’re just looking at building UAV tankers. The reason? I’ll bet it has something to do with the fact that AIs don’t care about flying cool-looking jets or getting promotions, but human naval officers do.

  3. Dark Axe says:

    Israel actually had this one right . Muh more cost -effective to take the F-16 and simply upgrade the payload. But then again Obama doesn’t really want to win . Or he would have simply nuked ISIS HQ and roasted a masrhamellow or two. But instead he chose to arm ISIS with CIA weaponry and $ and let them loose on Belgium so he could go play some golf with his commie pals.

    • JPW says:

      “In the U.S. alone, the F-35 program supports direct and indirect jobs for 129,000 people and provides work for more than 1,200 suppliers in 45 states and Puerto Rico,” reads Lockheed’s F-35 website. “The F-35 does more than just elevate international security—it also strengthens the global economy by providing jobs, industrial partnerships and technology benefits to people and companies across the world. In the years ahead, the F-35 program will create more jobs than any other Department of Defense initiative this decade.”


  4. Dark Axe says:

    Waste of money and all Americans each owe like 55k to the Fed. When the bill comes due: US Treasuries will be downgraded , our interest rate payments will be jacked WAY up , and fiscal austerity will be forced by the World Bank. St that point then you can thank companies like Lockheed Martin for all their wasteful over-runs.

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